i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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