I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i drank out of a bidet.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize