my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
