Acid is not a monday night drug
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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