I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
