Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
