2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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