Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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