I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Text me some of your sweat
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
