If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
