Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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