i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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