So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
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