Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
