After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
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