Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
