8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
