So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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