sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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