So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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