Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
