im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
