WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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