I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
