Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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