i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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