I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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