I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
