ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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