I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
