True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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