Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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