Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
