Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just gargled with NyQuil
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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