You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
sarcasm needs its own font
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
