her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize