did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
