i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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