If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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