I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
