I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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