I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
