wake up i wanna do it froggy style
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
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