i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize