she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
