i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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