Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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