i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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