If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
