This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
