oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
