I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
