I am puke
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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