If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
