I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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