I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
everyone is single if you try hard enough
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
