remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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