At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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