Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
